Four surprise signings Jose Mourinho wants to bring to Manchester United

It now seems close to certain that Jose Mourinho will sign for Manchester United as manager this summer. There are reports of a gentleman’s agreement, and also of something far more official: a contract that stipulates if he is not appointed as manager by May, he will receive £5 million, and another £10 million if he is not in place by June. There may be a hiccup if Louis van Gaal somehow scrapes into the Champions League, but that seems unlikely with West Ham much the better side, and with Manchester City not quite out of it, however much they appear to have given up.

There are also stories that Atletico Madrid’s technical director, Andrea Berti, will make his way to Old Trafford in support of both Mourinho and Ed Woodward. He would be the man to iron out any deals for players. Jorge Mendes, Mourinho’s agent, has had dealings with Atletico before, and he has a few of their players on his books, so you would imagine that there could be business to be done this summer involving these parties. Antoine Griezmann has occasionally been mentioned, as has Saul Niguez. Aymeric Laporte and John Stones are two defenders who are regularly linked with United, and Harry Kane might also be the new striker for the 2016/17 season.
However, there are a few potential signings that have gone under the radar. Mourinho likes certain type of players, who perhaps push the boundaries of gamesmanship and what is acceptable, just like he has at times. Here are a few players that could surprise some people by pulling on the famous red shirt.
Satan (unattached)

Satan appeals to Manchester United in a number of ways. Firstly, as he does not play football professionally, he is not registered to any club. That would mean he would be free to join without paying a fee to anyone for his signature. While his age would be a concern, his relative lack of game time means that physically he remains in good shape for his years. Secondly, Woodward is reportedly very excited about the ‘brand synergies’ of the deal. He has put together a brochure for Satan and his agent, Pini Zahavi, pushing the commercial advantages of playing for ‘The Red Devils’, and making it known just how much could be made from image rights. He has also played up United’s strong presence in countries which typically have little penetration from the Judeo-Christian movements, and could help expand his presence into new markets.

Lastly, John Terry and Mourinho may not always have got on, especially in tough times, but the Portuguese is known to admire Terry in many respects, and has privately admitted he sees plenty of similarities between the veteran, and Satan.
George Osborne (Conservatives)
With Rui Faria not certain to follow his boss to Old Trafford, Mourinho has identified Osborne as having a similar approach to the world and morality as Faria. There is also a growing sense that David Cameron will be willing to let Osborne go in the summer, having seen his performance levels drop rapidly in the last week, making his position untenable. Also, Osborne brings years of experience as a number two to a man with aristocratic links and some fairly reactionary views.
The concept of shame
A surprise for many, as this player is unable to wear a shirt, perform on the pitch, be physically palpable, or contribute on or off the pitch in any meaningful way. Except, of course, Mourinho has a plan in order to help educate and train his players in the manner he needs.
Given Mourinho has often played with a side with both Pepe and Sergio Ramos in it, and at Chelsea has also enjoyed the best years of Ashley Cole’s career, as well masterminded Porto’s victory over Celtic in a European final, he is not famous for his appreciation of the concept of Shame.
Rather than employ Shame on the pitch, Mourinho is planning on making shame his next Juan Mata or Iker Casillas, even if he has to actually sign him first before setting about his task. Shame would be stripped of his squad number after two weeks, dropped to the reserves, then the youth team, and then brought back for a pre-season friendly, where he would be subbed off after two seconds for Marouane Fellaini. Mourinho would then castigate shame for his lack of professionalism, and lacking the will to win required in the Premier League, and an understanding of what is needed at the highest level, however he feels he must behave. Shame will then be transfer listed and sold to Liverpool, where he’ll also enjoy a poor spell, barracked by the fans.
Papy Djilobodji (Chelsea, on loan at Werder Bremen)

Djilobodji is finally attractive to Mourinho for two reasons. Having had no use for him in their brief time together at Chelsea, Mourinho is attracted to the idea of winning the Premier League with him while Chelsea sit outside the European places and start their rebuilding. Secondly, the defender has just been banned for three matches for making a throat slitting gesture, and impressed Mourinho with his new, no-nonsense approach to taking on opponents.